Friday, August 22, 2008

University of Alabama Football Report for 8/22/08: Political Endorsements Edition

Office: President of Pakistan

Issues: Shortly after the attacks of 9/11, America showed up in Pakistan with a sack of money in one hand and a loaded gun in the other. Since that time, American officials have reiterated at every opportunity that Pakistan is one of America’s strongest allies in the War on Terror.

With the ouster of Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistani presidency opens up for early harvest. Think of it as the geopolitical version of a muscadine. However, unlike the muscadine, the fruit on the end of this vine could be harboring Osama bin Laden—or at the very least harboring the harbors (the muscadine is a true patriot and holds no quarter for terrorists).

Were this 1980s professional wrestling, Pakistan would slap America’s face and leave the ring when America was reaching out for the tag in the championship match, leaving America to receive a two-on-one beatdown at the hands of Tommy Rich and “Tennessee Stud” Robert Fuller.

Since taking power in a coup d’etat, Musharraf had been holding together his country with the promise of free elections in the future, and then allowing people to freely vote for him. It was a sweet deal, but all good things must come to an end—often while facing impeachment.

Bama Report endorses: The corpse of Benazir Bhutto

As a martyr, Bhutto has shown a remarkable ability to unite an often fractured political base. Furthermore, being dead, she’s immune to the pressures of radical Islamic groups in the region and above the temptation of abusing the power of her office.

Critics may concede those earlier positives but would point out that she also lacks a heart beat or any brain functions. All the better say the politicos here at the Bama Report; it’s like getting Cheney and Bush in one package!

Office: United States Senator representing Alabama

Issues: Like many Southern states, Alabama faces an unpredictable future in the early part of the new century. Rising fuel prices have threatened both the state’s nascent automotive manufacturing resurgence and the transportation and trucking lines that carry goods to and from markets. An underfunded and archaic public education system only complicates the worrisome forecasts for Alabama in a technologically fast-paced world. These daunting challenges demand a leader up to the task.

Bama Report endorses: Mark “No NCAA” Townsend

On his campaign website “Sessions Is a Sissy” and its sister site “No NCAA,” Townsend has laid forth a bold vision for Alabama's, and America’s, future.

1. Remove collegiate athletics from the control of the NCAA (a.k.a. “the Devil’s Pitchfork”) and place it under the auspices of the United States Marine Corp
2. End America’s military deployment in Iraq
3. Find out if the moon landing really happened
4. Something about 9/11 and UFOs too, maybe—it’s kind of hard to figure some of this shit out frankly

Townsend is a former truck driver who ran for governor using the nickname “Rodeo Clown” as his middle name. He came in third with nearly ten thousand votes, but he claims a second place finish considering another candidate had withdrawn from the race. In his campaign for the Senate, he switched to “No NCAA” because “No Restrictor Plate Racing” was too long to fit onto the ballot.

In his campaign video, Townsend presents his case to the electorate and states that he has a mental disability caused by brain trauma and dehydration from the grueling practice regimens common to high school football programs in his youth.

However, he also points out that Jeff Sessions is a sackless opportunist without the spine to stand up to the worst president in American history while the blood of his constituents is spilled in a vainglorious enterprise on foreign soil, so he can’t be all that brain damaged.

Office: President of the United States of America

Issues: Man, fuck the issues. One dude has “Bama” in his name and knows how to use his cell phone while the other guy panders to the worst instincts of the electorate and can’t remember how many houses he owns.

But fine, you want issues? How’s this:

OK, why is Johnny Mac holding a football like is damn daytime Emmy Award? Seriously—it is a football, part of the greatest game on the planet and a symbol of our national identity. If you want to be president, then hold it right!

And please don’t even begin that it’s because of his injuries from the Hanoi Hilton. We’re talking about gripping a football, not entering a punt-pass-and-kick contest.

In fact, since you (and he, repeatedly) brought it up, after watching McCain bait the nutjobs through the primary season, stumble over the most basic facts of governance, backtrack on any rational compromise he’s ever uttered, and dumbfoundedly spout out jinjoistic nonsense like a W-to-English phrasebook, I’ve finally come around with something positive I can say about George W. Bush: amazingly, the pampered little Texan shithead broke John McCain; even the Viet Cong couldn’t do that.

Bama Report endorses: Barack Obama

“It is a prolate spheroid in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing. Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.”

You know who said that?

This guy:

The one on the statue, not the skinny guy with the ears. He’s all right though.

Roll Tide.